30 AFTER 30

Today is my 30th birthday! Happy birthday me! :)

(Photo from last night rounding off my twenties with cocktails! So much fun!)

(Photo from last night rounding off my twenties with cocktails! So much fun!)

I always see those 30 before 30 posts around but if there is one thing I've learnt in my last 29 years its that I'm not disciplined or organised for before lists hahaha. I always admire people who look like they have their sh*t together though . So I decided to write an 'after' 30 list... in the pretence that one day I might get my sh*t together too haha. Though I guess its really more of a bucket list.

Here goes:

  1. Go on the longest zipline in the UK. I don't know anyone who would go with me but its definitely number 1 on the list ha. And why not bump it up to the longest zip lines in the world - amazing!!

  2. Visit the Grand Canyon. Not a small goal I know, but as its a bucket list, I might as well go big or go home!

  3. Do something radical with my hair - I have no idea what - maybe a pixie cut or rainbow hair dye haha, but something a bit different that's really not playing it safe. I'll probably hate it. Update: I cut it short, I love it.

  4. Donate my hair. Now that I don't dye my hair this is something I've been thinking about doing and if I grow it really long and cut it short - thats pretty radical right ;)

  5. Figure out my personal style. My Dad bought a book for himself on Gentleman's style last year and although I giggled a bit, I actually thought it was great that he wanted to present himself how he wants. I've put together secret boards on Pinterest of clothes I like on other people, but when I look at them and think "would I actually wear that?" the answer is usually no. Any tips for short, hourglass shapes who likes layers and not showing much flesh would be very much appreciated!

  6. Look at the stars in Northumberland at Dark Skies Park. I love stars.

  7. Oh thinking about it - I need to see the stars in the Southern Hemisphere somewhere too! I'll look the best place for that one up!

  8. Road trip around the UK. The more I travel around the UK the more I realise I haven't seen much of it at all. I suppose I need to learn to drive first...

  9. Learn to drive :)

    In fact there's so much I want to learn, so here's a quick list of things to learn:

  10. Learn how to make croissants (who doesn't love pastry?)

  11. Learn how to make a really good sauce.

  12. Learn how to sing (our neighbours are going to love me singing in the shower even more!)

  13. Learn how to knit (I'm on with this one but I'm excited about it!) Update: Still not as great as I would like but I’m made quite a few things now.

  14. Learn how to sew and actually use my sewing machine.

  15. Learn to play an instrument - but what instrument?

  16. Do 3 random courses on Coursera and learn about things I don't know about. Update: I did a degree and a diploma on Lighting and Building Services, so this one is being crossed off!

  17. Get a tattoo. Another thing I never expected to want to do - especially after one of my aunts freaked me out by trying to convince me to get one on my boob when I was a teenager ha. But one day, I think it will be the right time and for the right reason. I'm quite taken with constellation tattoos at the moment - I do love stars.

  18. #yogaeverydamnday - I would love to be one of those people who does yoga everyday - but seriously - where do people find the time? I know... you make the time... but where?! I'll figure it out at some point. I'm determined.

  19. Start and complete a photography project. I always have ideas of things but I never find one that really sticks. I'll keep thinking over this one. Update: I did a 366 project in 2016 and thinking of doing more every leap year!

  20. Go all out at the Edinburgh Fringe. See as many things as we can, eat in the nicest places, stay at a lovely hotel.... like I said before. Go big or go home ha.

  21. Watch a thunderstorm in Italy. I'm one of those weird people who loves storms and the UK is pretty rubbish for them, so to see a spectacular one in another country would be amazing. I wouldn't go as far as chasing storms though don't worry.

  22. Volunteer for The Dog's Trust (or any dogs home really - maybe even foster some dogs?).

  23. Walk the Three Peaks. And do more walking challenges. Getting my Fitbit was one of the best decisions I ever made and I know now that I really love walking. I would also love a walking holiday around the Lake District.

  24. Eat at at least ten places featured on Diners, Drives Ins and Dives or You Gotta Eat Here. Oh boy it all looks so good! These TV shows are so dangerous ha.

  25. Make my own clothes - either by sewing, crochet or knitting - hopefully even all three!

  26. Successfully plant and manage a garden (when we finally buy a house). I'd love to have a lovely garden that I've created and can maintain.

  27. Go away for a weekend on my own - Thomas isn't going to like this one ha. But since dealing with depression and recovering from it slowly every day, I realise how much I want to have time to myself, to heal, to grow, to like spending time with myself and I'd love to be brave enough to just do it and enjoy it.

  28. Do something completely random that no one would expect and love it. I know this is a bit vague but I always feel like I play life so safe, I want to so something new and say yes to an experience that I never thought I'd have - I think I'll wait to say yes to it rather than decide on what exactly that is. Hear that Universe - I'm ready when you are. Update: Got completely into Tarot. Didn’t expect it, absolutely love it. I’m totally open to more new experiences though Universe :D

  29. Try a vegan diet for a month. Update: Tried it but after cutting out gluten as well, it made me feel quite ill. I’m sad about that, but gluten free vegan is crazy hard, not suited to me and impractical for me too unfortunately.

  30. And finally, anyone who knows this won't be surprised... get a puppy. Or ten. Part of me is still heartbroken that I don't have one at 30 - I thought it would be the one thing I'd definitely do by this age but as Thomas keeps reminding me 'one day' and one day its going to be amazing!

What do you think? Have I missed anything that particularly screams "do this in my 30's" ? I'm pretty excited about it on the whole - I hope I actually do get my sh*z together and actually do them too :)

**Shameless plug**

Hello lovely people... I interrupt this August Break programming with some shameless plugging and a quick plea! 

Last week I entered a photo into a local Leeds competition and I didn't really think much of it - but then - I got an email saying my photo was being featured on the local Made in Leeds TV channel. And it was then that I kind of believed that it was a photo actually worthy of being in a competition... so now I have a little self belief - I would love, love, love it if you could vote for my photo on Facebook as well! 

The competition is to highlight Leeds communities and the brief was to share something that means community to you. I thought about sharing the Kirkstall Markets at the Abbey as Kirkstall has a really wonderful community and we love living here - but then I remembered that the Clandestine Cake Club  was born in Leeds - and it has a worldwide community, not just a local one. I've been very lucky to go to a few events with my bestie Clare- who can really bake (lucky me!) and I've loved getting to meet new people and I know Clare has made some great friends too. So I'm really happy that I shared this photo in the end!

PLEASE VOTE HERE!

Thank you to anyone who does vote : )

The August Break

Yup, its  August tomorrow - somehow?! I have no idea how! But that means its Susannah Conway's The August Break time and I'm excited!! 

I thought about not taking part this year and catching up with the rest of the photos that I just got developed but then I decided that actually a break from worrying about blogging might be just what I need right now - and I always love using The August Break to share older photos that are just floating around the archives of my Flickr and this blog...  I have over 6,000 photos taken with film now - its easy to forget about some of them.

So here's the list of prompts! I love the idea of it being mindful pleasures - I've been trying so hard with my mindfulness practice (and honestly, mostly not succeeding ha) and I'm looking forward to this focus during the month with my instagram photos.

Will you be taking part in Susannah's challenge this year? How do you like to participate?  

Don't forget to read Susannah's post about it and sign up to the blogroll!

Searching for something...

"In the end, I think it is the search for the real, but also the search for the self, the search for what it means to be human. Perhaps this time I will see more clearly, understand something more. Perhaps in the end, that which we see lies within the quest itself, for there is no final knowing only a continual unfolding and bringing together of what has been discovered."  Dianne Albin


This quote is excerpted from The Van Gogh Blues - for Dianne's whole piece click here - its worth a read!

I've been feeling a little like I've been going around in circles lately - trying to move forward but then always coming back to where I originally started - my thoughts repeat, the words triggered randomly and then set on a loop. I keep thinking I have it all out of my head - either in photos or words, that I'm getting closer to having it all figured. But then I'm here again - with the same thoughts and the same realisation... and that brief second of clarity before it disappears.

As I write, I feel like I've known these words before - as I read, I feel like I'm reading words I've read before - I see glimpses of my muse (inner voice, inspiration, creativity, whatever it is that drives me) in other peoples work, I recognise it in other peoples words and I wonder - are we all repeating the same thing over and over. Are we all doing the same thing - searching for that something too - whatever it is - but never quite finding it completely. Or if we do find it - is it always so brief that we all forget and continue back on our loop.

Reading The Task of Meaning Making by Dianne Albin above (do read it!) triggered again that feeling of recognition and knowing - knowing that whatever drives me also drives others - but its hard to say something like that without feeling that perhaps you're a bit crazy. Yet - I feel like its the most obvious and sane thing I've ever thought... and with each reminder, each glimpse of it in others - the idea becomes more solid and more obvious.  I have no idea what it is, where it comes from or why - I'm not particularly religious, so I don't feel like I'm seeing God, or even something divine and unattainable - its just there - connecting us all somehow and pushing us further.

I've read recently that depression is a disease of coping - of trying to fit yourself into a lifestyle and society where you don't quite feel you fit or prosper... and I've said before that I feel like depression is a constant fight - fighting to have your life a certain way - to do everything as normally as you can.

And I feel like I have a choice now - I try and fit myself into this life - a life with thoughts that don't really fit me - that will leave me unhappy, sick and stuck in a loop of repetition - but a life that appears normal - that is defined by society as appropriate.  

Or I take a leap, take a risk and I accept what my instincts and my creative muse are trying so hard to tell me - as crazy as it may seem or feel - as sane and obvious as it may seem or feel -  and see where it takes me... and hope that people don't think I've completely lost my marbles along the way.

Looking it over - I guess really it's a choice between what appears to be acceptable, conventional crazy or the unknown, unconventional crazy. In many ways 'depression' seems safer - I know it now, people understand (either completely or vaguely) what it means when you're trying to explain how you feel - but even depression has become a pigeon hole, something to fit in and be labelled as - to be 'treated' rather than explored, taken care of and healed... whilst now I think I'm ready to define myself.