Searching for something...

"In the end, I think it is the search for the real, but also the search for the self, the search for what it means to be human. Perhaps this time I will see more clearly, understand something more. Perhaps in the end, that which we see lies within the quest itself, for there is no final knowing only a continual unfolding and bringing together of what has been discovered."  Dianne Albin

This quote is excerpted from The Van Gogh Blues - for Dianne's whole piece click here - its worth a read!

I've been feeling a little like I've been going around in circles lately - trying to move forward but then always coming back to where I originally started - my thoughts repeat, the words triggered randomly and then set on a loop. I keep thinking I have it all out of my head - either in photos or words, that I'm getting closer to having it all figured. But then I'm here again - with the same thoughts and the same realisation... and that brief second of clarity before it disappears.

As I write, I feel like I've known these words before - as I read, I feel like I'm reading words I've read before - I see glimpses of my muse (inner voice, inspiration, creativity, whatever it is that drives me) in other peoples work, I recognise it in other peoples words and I wonder - are we all repeating the same thing over and over. Are we all doing the same thing - searching for that something too - whatever it is - but never quite finding it completely. Or if we do find it - is it always so brief that we all forget and continue back on our loop.

Reading The Task of Meaning Making by Dianne Albin above (do read it!) triggered again that feeling of recognition and knowing - knowing that whatever drives me also drives others - but its hard to say something like that without feeling that perhaps you're a bit crazy. Yet - I feel like its the most obvious and sane thing I've ever thought... and with each reminder, each glimpse of it in others - the idea becomes more solid and more obvious.  I have no idea what it is, where it comes from or why - I'm not particularly religious, so I don't feel like I'm seeing God, or even something divine and unattainable - its just there - connecting us all somehow and pushing us further.

I've read recently that depression is a disease of coping - of trying to fit yourself into a lifestyle and society where you don't quite feel you fit or prosper... and I've said before that I feel like depression is a constant fight - fighting to have your life a certain way - to do everything as normally as you can.

And I feel like I have a choice now - I try and fit myself into this life - a life with thoughts that don't really fit me - that will leave me unhappy, sick and stuck in a loop of repetition - but a life that appears normal - that is defined by society as appropriate.  

Or I take a leap, take a risk and I accept what my instincts and my creative muse are trying so hard to tell me - as crazy as it may seem or feel - as sane and obvious as it may seem or feel -  and see where it takes me... and hope that people don't think I've completely lost my marbles along the way.

Looking it over - I guess really it's a choice between what appears to be acceptable, conventional crazy or the unknown, unconventional crazy. In many ways 'depression' seems safer - I know it now, people understand (either completely or vaguely) what it means when you're trying to explain how you feel - but even depression has become a pigeon hole, something to fit in and be labelled as - to be 'treated' rather than explored, taken care of and healed... whilst now I think I'm ready to define myself.