#BEDM - Pampering

Other than yoga, crochet, having a shower and snoozing (I love sleep) my ideal way to relax is to take photos on the beach... I love the beach, I talk about it a lot here but it really is my favourite place... the sand, the sea, the fresh air, I love everything about it. These photos are pretty old now, but I never got around to uploading them, so here are some pretty photos from one of the last times I was at the beach.

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Location: Hemsby, Norfolk Camera: Zenit B Film: Lomo CN 400

Alleviating

This post is going to be hard for me to write (and even harder for me to publish) so please bare with me if I'm babbling... 4 weeks ago, I was sat in a doctors waiting room, terrified out of my mind... they made me wait - can you believe that? After weeks/months of deciding whether to go, whether I really couldn't get better on my own, whether or not I really needed to be there. They made me wait another 20 agonising minutes on top. Its a good thing Thomas was there to hold my hand, because if he hadn't have grounded me, I would have just ran away from it all. He keeps telling me how brave I was to stay, but the funny thing about being your bravest is that its actually when you feel like the biggest wimp because you've never been  more scared. I still don't feel brave now. I'm still scared.

So I walked into the doctors office, no make-up, dirty hair, terrified... and I hit rock bottom... that was the moment, the lowest moment. I still remember how I felt in that chair, looking up at the doctor over my glasses, taking that deep, shaky breath and not knowing exactly what to say - I still don't know what to say - I can't even remember what I said to be honest, but somehow over the next few minutes I managed to communicate that I was struggling, that I needed help. I remember how I felt.

4 weeks ago, I thought the hardest part was over - the part where you admit a problem - and don't get me wrong - the relief that came from taking action and making a change to my life was undeniably a healing experience... but actually, every day is hard. Every single day.  Once its out there, you can't really ignore it any more.

To make things worse, I'm impatient, I keep expecting to just get better - and then I get so angry that I don't. But this hasn't happened slowly, in fact, its taken me a year of being considerate to myself, followed by 4 months of trying to alleviate things, for me to get to this point, so really, I can't expect to feel better in a snap. But I do. I push myself too hard, I expect too much and ultimately, my behaviour ends up being even more self destructive... and I need to learn how to not do that to myself, and its going to take time.

I've been trying to think about how this blog fits into my life and if it really benefits me any more - I know how it could be bigger, more popular - but honestly, I have no drive to do that and I actually don't think that being 'successful' is what would make it beneficial to me at all.

In the last 4 weeks, I haven't even picked up a camera. I should really pick up a camera... but I'm scared of that too.

The truth is that I did feel safer with the lies, the truth is scary, it's daunting and it's unknown... but ultimately, lies are heavy, they are ugly and they break down - they crack, they burst and one day you have to accept that actually, they never were truths and that things aren't the same and you might never be the same again either.

I don't know where I'll be in the next 4 weeks, or how I'll feel... I don't know what I want to do because actually, I don't really know myself very well right now - my core is shaken, maybe even a little cracked... and I don't really know how to fix it or even how to accept it as it is. So I'm taking it a day at a time, I'm focusing on the small every day things - eating well, doing my daily yoga, playing silly games on my phone and getting those damn three stars, taking little walks, enjoying talking to my friends and family and accepting that actually, getting through the day is an accomplishment in itself, not all the other things that seem so insignificant now compared to my health.

I realise that this post is a little uncharacteristic to how I usually am on my blog - and I can imagine that as I struggle my way through the next few months, this blog is going to evolve with me... so thank you to everyone who has stuck with me to the end of this post, and even through the last 4 years. You are appreciated.

p.s. Never did I expect that when I chose my word of the year, that this is what alleviate would mean... I'm also learning to trust my inner voice.

 

 

 

Five Fave blogs...

I really love reading blogs, at one point my blogroll had nearly had 200 blogs on it (which btw, isn't maintainable) so although I've narrowed it down some, I've still found it really hard to pick just 5 blogs to share. Still I managed it, and I can't wait to see every one else's choices. taza

1. Love Taza

I know everyone loves Naomi's blog, and its for a good reason, its a great read, her kids are adorable and its so positive, its almost sickening... but the main reason I love this blog is that for the past 4 years it has inspired me to be a better, more positive blogger, to focus on the good, forget the bad and enjoy the little things and happy lists (write one, right now, best thing ever). Also, I was reintroduced to film photos with Naomi's holga and diana photos (she doesn't seem to take as many now which is a shame) and I can't imagine my life now without photos, so I will forever be grateful for that introduction.

susannah

2. Susannah Conway This is another blogger that has made a huge impact on my life in terms of blogging and photography. I often talk about Susannah here - I've done her photography course, I own her book and I really like her. Susannah is easily one of the most inspiring people I know and her dedication to her work and her amazing results just makes me want to push myself harder. Also, her polaroids just blow me away...

chocolate

3. Chocolate and Cream Cake I'm secretly a huge nerd. It's true... my favourite things include sci fi and fantasy anything - books, TV, movies, xbox games and if you love all these things too, then Mandy's blog is for you. Mandy also happens to be one of the coolest bloggers I've met so far. (Also I wrote a Fictional Fancy guest post recently too)

indie

4. Indie Berries I admit it, I have a huge girl crush on Che from Indie Berries - as well as being crazy pretty, she's also incredibly funny and so talented with her witty cartoons and funny stories. As an added bonus Che also loves film photography... its a triple win! If you want a laugh and your day cheering up, then I definitely recommend this blog.

Paris

5. Paris in Four Months This is a recent discovery for me, but it is a feast for the eyes! I'm pretty sure I left a part of my heart in Paris when we were there a couple of years ago, so this blog just makes me so happy.

p.s. If you want more to read, check out all the blogs in my sidebar blogroll, I love them all!