**Shameless plug**

Hello lovely people... I interrupt this August Break programming with some shameless plugging and a quick plea! 

Last week I entered a photo into a local Leeds competition and I didn't really think much of it - but then - I got an email saying my photo was being featured on the local Made in Leeds TV channel. And it was then that I kind of believed that it was a photo actually worthy of being in a competition... so now I have a little self belief - I would love, love, love it if you could vote for my photo on Facebook as well! 

The competition is to highlight Leeds communities and the brief was to share something that means community to you. I thought about sharing the Kirkstall Markets at the Abbey as Kirkstall has a really wonderful community and we love living here - but then I remembered that the Clandestine Cake Club  was born in Leeds - and it has a worldwide community, not just a local one. I've been very lucky to go to a few events with my bestie Clare- who can really bake (lucky me!) and I've loved getting to meet new people and I know Clare has made some great friends too. So I'm really happy that I shared this photo in the end!

PLEASE VOTE HERE!

Thank you to anyone who does vote : )

The August Break

Yup, its  August tomorrow - somehow?! I have no idea how! But that means its Susannah Conway's The August Break time and I'm excited!! 

I thought about not taking part this year and catching up with the rest of the photos that I just got developed but then I decided that actually a break from worrying about blogging might be just what I need right now - and I always love using The August Break to share older photos that are just floating around the archives of my Flickr and this blog...  I have over 6,000 photos taken with film now - its easy to forget about some of them.

So here's the list of prompts! I love the idea of it being mindful pleasures - I've been trying so hard with my mindfulness practice (and honestly, mostly not succeeding ha) and I'm looking forward to this focus during the month with my instagram photos.

Will you be taking part in Susannah's challenge this year? How do you like to participate?  

Don't forget to read Susannah's post about it and sign up to the blogroll!

Searching for something...

"In the end, I think it is the search for the real, but also the search for the self, the search for what it means to be human. Perhaps this time I will see more clearly, understand something more. Perhaps in the end, that which we see lies within the quest itself, for there is no final knowing only a continual unfolding and bringing together of what has been discovered."  Dianne Albin

This quote is excerpted from The Van Gogh Blues - for Dianne's whole piece click here - its worth a read!

I've been feeling a little like I've been going around in circles lately - trying to move forward but then always coming back to where I originally started - my thoughts repeat, the words triggered randomly and then set on a loop. I keep thinking I have it all out of my head - either in photos or words, that I'm getting closer to having it all figured. But then I'm here again - with the same thoughts and the same realisation... and that brief second of clarity before it disappears.

As I write, I feel like I've known these words before - as I read, I feel like I'm reading words I've read before - I see glimpses of my muse (inner voice, inspiration, creativity, whatever it is that drives me) in other peoples work, I recognise it in other peoples words and I wonder - are we all repeating the same thing over and over. Are we all doing the same thing - searching for that something too - whatever it is - but never quite finding it completely. Or if we do find it - is it always so brief that we all forget and continue back on our loop.

Reading The Task of Meaning Making by Dianne Albin above (do read it!) triggered again that feeling of recognition and knowing - knowing that whatever drives me also drives others - but its hard to say something like that without feeling that perhaps you're a bit crazy. Yet - I feel like its the most obvious and sane thing I've ever thought... and with each reminder, each glimpse of it in others - the idea becomes more solid and more obvious.  I have no idea what it is, where it comes from or why - I'm not particularly religious, so I don't feel like I'm seeing God, or even something divine and unattainable - its just there - connecting us all somehow and pushing us further.

I've read recently that depression is a disease of coping - of trying to fit yourself into a lifestyle and society where you don't quite feel you fit or prosper... and I've said before that I feel like depression is a constant fight - fighting to have your life a certain way - to do everything as normally as you can.

And I feel like I have a choice now - I try and fit myself into this life - a life with thoughts that don't really fit me - that will leave me unhappy, sick and stuck in a loop of repetition - but a life that appears normal - that is defined by society as appropriate.  

Or I take a leap, take a risk and I accept what my instincts and my creative muse are trying so hard to tell me - as crazy as it may seem or feel - as sane and obvious as it may seem or feel -  and see where it takes me... and hope that people don't think I've completely lost my marbles along the way.

Looking it over - I guess really it's a choice between what appears to be acceptable, conventional crazy or the unknown, unconventional crazy. In many ways 'depression' seems safer - I know it now, people understand (either completely or vaguely) what it means when you're trying to explain how you feel - but even depression has become a pigeon hole, something to fit in and be labelled as - to be 'treated' rather than explored, taken care of and healed... whilst now I think I'm ready to define myself.

So... What did we learn?

Hey there! Just a check in with what I've learnt from my little survey a couple of weeks ago and what that means for me and my blogs future.

First - what did I learn?

1. I have awesome blog readers. I always knew that - but I'm very pleased that some of you filled out the survey and proved me right. It's all very well Bloglovin saying you have so many followers and then Squarespace saying a totally different number - but to see actual engagement (other than comments which are dwindling all over these days) is very heartwarming and reassuring. I'm so glad that you're here. A few of you even remembered when I blogged on Blogger and that really made my day.

2. You are spread out around the world! And boy do I really love that - Europe, America, even the Philippines!  

3. Some of you would download things from me and some of you wouldn't - some would pay, some wouldn't.  I had guessed that would be the case putting together the survey together but its nice to know rather than just assume things and worrying about it down the line.

So, now... the real question - why did I write this survey? My Dad sat me down and asked me the same thing last week - his words were 'it's your blog, do what you want.' which is very sound advice Dad : ) and usually that is how I roll around here - hence the random weeks off and occasionally word splurge posts like this one. 

So why the survey...

1. This blog costs me money - it is only about £200 a year with Squarespace fees, Flickr payments and the odd expense on things - but its always money I forget to budget for and every year I question paying for it and if its worth me continuing on.  I could move back to Blogger and not pay as much but I love Squarespace and I love that my blog looks awesome. I could just delete it and be done - but I think I'd lose more than just a space on the internet... I'd lose memories, contacts with amazing people and a lot of hard work from the last 6 years. Deleting is not an option.

So, I'd like to try and earn just a little bit of money back so that this blog can pay for itself and it doesn't become another thing that I worry about. Maybe I could even buy more film and take more photos and then actually have more to blog about... but that's not really a big deal if not - it would just be a bonus.

One person mentioned that they like that I don't sell things - and I'm definitely going to try and not become that blogger that pushes things with every post or sells a lifestyle, etc. If I sell things, it will be all from me, something unique to this blog and things I want to share and feel that are of value - and lets be honest, for the amount of money I want to make, I'll probably sell it for less than I should ha. 

2. I like a challenge.  Most things I love I've started from scratch with no formal learning as such, just me finding the resources I can - blogging, crochet, yoga, photography... and I've loved pushing myself to get better at them. I want to know if I could make this blog something sustainable for me - I want to know if I can give it a future where I don't have to worry about money and I can focus on quality and consistency. I want this blog to be at its best and that's going to require a little bit of help from other people - not for nothing of course - but for something awesome. I want to see if I can make awesome things and I wanted to know before I put all the effort in if people would actually want them. 

3. I have things to say and I wanted to feel validated in saying them.  A lot of effort goes into writing posts - I put a lot of myself into this blog and if you were just here for the pretty photos, then I'd feel a bit like my words aren't even being read. And I didn't like that idea at all. Luckily a lot of you like the words as well as the photos. Phew!

As expected - some of you want to read about my depression recovery and some don't - this is going to be a tough one to balance I think. Some days are bad and I write pretty intense posts that I delete after a few days and never publish. I've thought about this a lot and I know now that I don't want to be the person that dwells on the bad days -  I want to be the person that inspires people to work on their good days and use their creativity and perseverance to feel better about themselves. I'm going to keep thinking on this but I do feel like that's the way to go - it is so easy to get caught up in the bad and there are enough people that talk about that online to help others already.  I want to help people see that the good is worth fighting for and that they can do it. I really feel that if I can do something, then anyone can and I want to share that and inspire others. I want you to know that I believe in you.

So there we are, I think that covers everything. If you have any feedback you'd like to add now you have a vague idea of what's going on - I'd love to hear it. I've always tried to be honest and approachable on here - and everywhere online and offline - so please comment away and let me know what you think.
 

p.s. I totally resisted putting this in as an image on here - but I'm sad/nerdy enough to put a link to it in a footnote, hehehe, indulge me.

p.p.s. If you want to fill in the survey but haven't yet - you can still do that here.