Getting myself back out there...

I've been really struggling with blogging lately - more in terms of being a part of the blogging community, than actually wanting to blog (When I develop those films from Whitby, I'll have more photos than I'll know what to do with, assuming they are all ok).

The blogs I tend to read are blogs that I have read for years... blog that I truly love reading and in turn bloggers who have become friends and although I try to read new blogs, its hard to find the enthusiasm to get myself out there with a new/different crowd who seem much more savvy, confident and frankly, a little intimidating.

In many ways I've become a bit of a blogging recluse - I've had my blog popularity (at its height 1000 subscribers, if you can believe that - I have no clue who these people were) and in all honesty, I didn't particularly enjoy it, mainly because it made me worry so much about my content and also, if these 1000 would stay liking me or if they even read my blog. I never started this blog to make money, get loads of followers or stress myself out... I wanted to make real connections with real people, not numbers, statistics or profile names.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that moving my blog was probably one of the best things that I've done this year (being considerate to myself and all that) and I am so thrilled that I now have a much more manageable and less intimidating 36 subscribers (according to Google Reader), so please, if you've came over here with me, leave a comment, say hi, ask a question, anything... and we can do this blogging community thing properly and get to know each other better.

p.s. Also, if you have any new blogs you've found lately (that don't intimidate you lol) I would love to see them too, any help would be much appreciated.

a bit of random...

It's my birthday today so I left this post unscheduled in the hopes I'd have something inspirational hit me in terms of writing... but I didn't hahaha. This time last year my besties hijacked my blog, and really, I wasn't going to beat that post was I...

So instead I'm going to write a little list (I do love a good list, thanks Esther!). Next week we're going on our jollies to Whitby  and here are a few things I'm excited about:

1. seeing my parents!

2. playing with my new little pocketcam birthday present and making adorable videos.

3. walks on the beach.

4. the potentially amazing weather (everyone cross your fingers that the 10 day forecasts are correct!)

5. spending some time crocheting in the evenings, I am making the most amazing thing ever at the moment, it needs some love and I can't wait.

6. taking lots of photos.

7. going on a steam train.

8. walking on the beach (I said that I know, but I'm really looking forward to it!)

9. exploring Whitby

10. having an ensuite bathroom

11. having a little time away from everything (sometimes you just need that...)

So there we go. Have a great day! I'm off to see LomoKev later in Leeds today which I am pretty excited about. (If you're there too, I'll be in the stripey black and grey dress, come say hi!)

p.s. Also, Jasmine and Alyssa are awesome, lovely, friendly, amazing and all round good eggs, thanks girls!

Thing's I'm afraid to tell you...

{old photo -taken with my Yashica Samurai and Lomo CN 400 film}

Last week I saw Ez from Creature Comforts mentioned on her Twitter about a 'Thing's I'm afraid to tell you' blog challenge inspired by Jess from Make Under my Life's post of the same title. 

So here are a few silly and some serious things that I'm afraid to tell you:

~  If I didn't dye my hair, it would be very grey. I like it dark though, so it stays dark. But I do hate when my roots start to show. Also why people want to dye their hair grey is beyond me... ~

~ Sometimes I think about taking on sponsors again so I could buy a really expensive handbag, but usually I change my mind quickly back again. Hangbags (or shoes) are not a good reason to have sponsors really. Also, what if no one took me up on it haha, that would be awkward. ~

~ I hate the TV show Friends ~ (you'll be amazed by how many people get upset about that) (really, though, I hate it!)

~ Sometimes I wonder if you are just being nice and really my photos aren't that great, I'm not really very adventurous with them, I tend to play it safe and sometimes I worry that makes them boring (and that in turn I am boring.) ~

~ I still feel like this a lot of the time when it comes to blogging, apart from 800 is actually a lot scarier!  I read through your comments on that post often which helps, you are all incredibly amazing btw. ~

~ I'm irrationally terrified of The Hulk, but I love Mark Ruffalo - I still haven't figured out how I feel about this
(We still haven't seen the Avengers though, maybe I'll figure it out after that. 2019 update - we saw Avengers, I freaked out in the cinema when he threw Loki around. I stil love Mark Ruffalo) ~

~ I often wonder how people manage to stay so in control, be so reserved etc. I always feel like my emotions are flying apart - I get angry quickly, little things bother me (like bad manners), I sob at movies (proper ugly crying and for ages too -  I cried for hours after watching The Brothers Bloom) but at the same time, things make me laugh easily, I'm quick to smile and I love completely. So I think there's balance... just. ~

~ I'm heartbroken about my little LC-A not working properly, more than I probably should be about a camera. ~

So there we go. I'm an emotional wreck, skeptical of my own abilities and I have complicated feelings about The Hulk. (Also, I don't get the hype about Zooey Deschanel... I might as well throw that out there too.) And I perhaps use brackets and exclamation points in blog posts too much.

 I think Ez's post will be up a lot later than mine (time differences and all that) but do check out her blog - there will also be some other amazing bloggers taking part in this challenge and I personally can't wait to see what everyone has written.

Scared of myself...

This years word for myself was considerate...

I didn't actually realise what that would mean when I chose it, I thought it meant that I would have to be kinder to myself, stop beating myself up for things I couldn't control but what has actually happened is that I've been tougher on myself... tougher on the things that I can control, the things I can change and I've made myself do things that I wouldn't have done before. I'm being considerate to what I actually want to do and rather than just thinking about it, I've worked past my fears and I've done it. Today I am wearing a dress to work... and it's the third day that 'I've flashed my legs' (thanks male colleague) this week. Get me.

I've made myself face my insecurities, I've made myself write a book, I've challenged my 'I can'ts' with 'I can's' and heck, so far this year I've done all right...

But I haven't been very considerate of my blog and it's future.

Last week I had a post with no comments on, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a little. It's pathetic, I know, I still have more posts without comments then I have ones with them, but my blog is me, and it hurt my feelings a little.

I was having the worst week at work (to say I was in a flap would be an understatement) and I hadn't realised that I needed my blog and the interaction so much until it wasn't there.

The thing with blogs is that even if your blog stays the same, things change around you... you get more followers, you lose some followers, you get more hits, you get less... everything will change no matter what you do. And I've been pretty stubborn about evolving with it, I guess I like to dig my heels in about change as much as the next person (C) haha.

Anyway, this week I've been trying to find new blogs and I also reread a lot of posts in Kat's Green Room on Rock n Roll Bride... Have I ever told you that Kat is my one of my blogging heros? She is and so is her secret weapon Gareth... they love what they do and in doing so, they do it so very, very well.

That is what I want to do. I want to love what I do and do it so very, very well.

And I realised, I know how to do this - two years ago I was even brave enough to write a 'Blogging Tips' post. I know how to blog and do it well... so what is happening?! What am I so worried about?

Over the past two years I've somehow lost myself and my confidence (again)... and I've lost the contact with you.

I'm sorry about that. I really am.

The only person who's been holding me back with this blog is me.

But I think I'm ready to come back to it, to push it, to nuture it, to believe in it and myself... to share more of me than just my photos, to write.

Side note: I actually really love writing - which I guess makes sense, as I love talking and really, I'm talking to you here through my words - so a massive thank you Diana for giving me the chance to remember that with Gadchick, truly, its more than I ever expected when I bullied myself in saying yes to your offer.

Of course, I still have no idea what I'm going to do... I thought about a Toy Camera E book or course... a lot actually, I would love that - but then I let myself think "who would want to take part in that with you? who do you think you are? there are more knowledgeable people... " but I won't let myself do that anymore...

I am me and I know these things, I can share them. I want to share them... somehow.

I also realised that I really love blogging... so I need to incorporate that somehow, but I don't want a seperate blog... so really, I have no clue what I want to do still - perhaps a toy camera newsletter with tips? Perhaps a seperate sectionfor tips, camera over views? Perhaps maybe even earn a bit of money somehow with affordable e-courses or books... I really don't know.

But I do know that I am more than my day job... so much more, I have more to give, more to do than to be sat at this desk everyday, wishing it away until I get home and I can do things that I want to do.

The only one holding me back is me... I've been scared of myself for too long and now I need to do something about it... and keep doing it.

So here I am, being considerate to myself, letting it all out, hitting publish (eep)and then I am going to do something.

I just don't know what that something is yet :)