My word for 2017

Happy New Year lovely people!

Well, here we are again, at the start of a new year and choosing the direction we would like it to take. I always love this time of year- the anticipation and excitement of the potential a new year has to offer. I especially love the reminder that you can change your life to what you want it to be every year... though that isn't just limited to January of course - you can change your life any day you want!

Firstly I'm going to do a quick review of my 2016 word - earnest. Looking back at my words of the year - this was the first I chose that was something to 'be'. Alleviate (2013), inspirit (2014) and give (2015) all felt like actions - things to do to make things happen/better. In comparison earnest felt like something I should be to get through the year - and its definitely helped me with a lot of aspects - work, my 366 project and starting a new lighting design diploma. It also encouraged me when the world was being the world and I wasn't always happy with what was happening... a reminder to stay true to my feelings and to focus on my original intent rather than be distracted (ha) by the emotional landscape around me. So overall, a successful word choice I think, hurrah!

Moving into 2017 I feel like I'm starting in a much more secure position than last year emotionally... yet even with saying that, it took me a good while to settle on my word - even bouncing around a Thesaurus and keeping my mind and options open. I finally settled on it during a conversation with my husband where he said something so obvious and simple, that I felt a little silly that it took me so long to establish what the intuitive feelings I had were pushing me towards.

So here is my word for 2017...

I originally was going along the lines of 'self' - the idea of being true to myself or being authentic to myself... but somehow Thomas and I were talking about the idea of being happy and I realised that happy was what I really wanted to be. And to do that, all I really have to do, is get out of my own way and give myself permission to be happy.

My dear friend Alyssa has also been super inspiring to me recently with her #livenownotwhen hashtag on Instagram and it got me to thinking that I'm always putting something else before my happiness.

"I'll be happier when I can drive." "I'll be happier when I weigh 2 stone less". "I'll be happier with more money." "I'll be happier with, when, in the future... etc.." 

So this year - rather than giving myself something to 'do' to make things better, I'm going to give myself permission to be happy - and its as simple as that... short term at least.

However, as someone who has to maintain my mental health, I also know that happiness is a little more complicated long term... you have to plan your happiness and know what makes you happy - so having this word will also impact my long term decisions for self care with an intent to feel happy in the future. I'm excited about that as a lot of my approach to mental health has been about 'getting through' rather than 'being happy' and I think that mental switch is actually a huge deal in terms of my thinking... the idea that I can and am allowed to be happy... its a very big deal.

As well as choosing my word, I've also embraced my inner hippy with a tarot spread for the year. I didn't actually choose the Strength card for my year card, it jumped... and when that card jumps at you, you take it! I also love that the Unicorn card popped up for my year card too - they both support happy rather splendidly I feel, as I'm pretty sure it will take all my strength and spirit to remember to put my own hapiness first. Overall from this spread, 2017 looks intense and varied with lots of major tarot cards as well as grounding animal spirits. I'll be going into each months cards as they come along but so far January looks steady, practical and logical, which I'll also take!

So there we are, I think 2017 could be very interesting indeed having set such a positive outset intention - but what about you? Have you chosen a word for the year? Tell me about it in the comments and once again, happy new year to you all :) x

A few things I've learnt from a year (or so) of scanning my own negatives

I don't talk as much about my photography on my blog anymore - of how I feel and my process - I've said it before here - and its always a similar vain - I'm constantly searching for something.   My film photography process is a completely emotional and intuitive process - I love it and my results are as authentically me as I ever feel but I don't really think I can say it any better than in those previous posts. 

If you're not in the mood for rereading my old posts (I totally would if I was you but then I think I read them more than anyone else anyway ha) here is a highlight of how I feel about taking photos. I'm a sap I know...

To me, each photo I take is like falling in love - you're constantly search for it - everywhere you go - even if you aren't aware that you are... sometimes you can't see it, sometimes you find it in one step, sometimes you have to work a bit harder, perhaps challenge your preconceptions and break some of your own rules... but just like love - no one can tell you when you've found that perfect photo, you just know it... through and through!

Although this is still so very true for me, scanning my films has changed things and my perspective quite a bit... Not the process, not completely how I take photos but the process after that - its all completely different from before.

In 2011 I wrote that editing my photos riled me up - and it still does ha, don't get me wrong - but now its for a completely different reason.

In 2011 the company that developed my negatives scanned my photos - the final result was completely out of my hands and I was totally OK with that - it was quick, easy and I was getting results I loved. 

Now - 5 years later - I'm scanning my own photos... the control is completely mine and here's a few things I've learnt.

• All my photos before I got my scanner were more than likely auto corrected and auto colour balanced. I have no idea how I feel about a lot of them now - or even about lot of the films I used. It feels like I'm starting everything all over again. This partly makes me want to cry and partly excites me.
   
• Scanning colour film takes forever. Not just the physical scanner process - but setting the colours correctly once the preview has run and then trying to balance the colours once more once you've scanned the image. It doesn't help that I am turning into a perfectionist about it all either. If I don't feel like they look right - they don't look right and I can spend ages trying to find the photo I took within the image the scanner gives me.
   
• Generally my exposure is pretty good (thank goodness for that). Having 6 years of film photography experience before scanning my own negatives has definitely been an advantage for my current photo results. Most of my editing is about the final look of colours - not brightness/contrast/exposure etc.
   
• Dust is the devil. And so is my own laziness at wiping my negatives and scanner between each scan. I'm getting better at this definitely... wipe your scanner and negatives people!
   
• In some ways - the type of film I'm using means less to me now - scanning my own colour films is helping me develop my own style of colour palette in more ways than I ever imagined it would. I had a vague idea before but now I'm getting a feel for what I like and don't like in a much more sensitive and aware way.
   
• I DO NOT like green colour shifts (also why I'm not a huge fan of Lomo Xpro film). And a lot of my films from the last year I want to rescan because its honestly killing me that my photos aren't quite perfect.  I can see that I'm so close to the final image being how I want it - but I just can't get it right. Its infuriating. I'm starting to figure out curve editing which is resolving the green shift but still, argh!
   
• Instagram is a surprisingly good colour editor - a slight tweak in warmth on their editing and boom, green shift gone - the results on my Instagram are much closer to how I want them to look than on here - and luckily thats where most people seem to see my photos ha. 
   
• If I won the lottery theres a huge risk I would spend most of my days rescanning all my photos. Which would take a long time. But be totally worth it... (I'd also buy more cameras and film and take even more photos... man it would be amazing.)
   
• Scanning my own photos has made me appreciate every single image so much more and also made me consider the final shot more before I take the photo. Knowing that each photo I take is going to take up a lot of my time after I've taken it in the scanning/editing process means that each one has to be a photo I really like and want to spend that time on. That has admittedly been a bit more challenging with my 366 project (some of them I've definitely phoned in) but over all, I take less photos now than I did a few years ago. I'm OK with that.
   
• Despite colour film being so difficult to scan - I think that colour film is my favourite. I love black and white and use it more in the winter months, but gosh, I do love colours. My colour photos when scanned how I really want them to look provoke a feeling in me almost like a gut punch in the stomach - I feel a little like I can't quite catch my breath and I totally forget about everything other than how I'm feeling in that moment looking at my photo. 
   
• Comparison is indeed the thief of joy. Whilst I was part of the Film Shooters Collective (sadly I'm not anymore due to time constraints - hopefully this isn't a long term situation - but I still highly recommend you check it out if you love film) it was an amazing resource for constant inspiration - however it was also quite intimidating to see other peoples photos they'd scanned themselves look SO perfect and well balanced.  Remembering that everyone, including me, is on their own journey was sometimes quite difficult.
   
• I always knew that any creative process was just that - a process - but trying something new and a different way of doing things has totally cemented the idea that I am always going to be learning with my photography and I'm always going to be evolving and perfecting.

This post has ended up being huge - so I'll conclude on this final point which I think is the most important lesson. Photography is photograpy. Whatever you use - film or digital, your phone or a toy camera - it takes time, knowledge and understanding to create a photo you love. The level of commitment to any of those things is your choice and the tools you use is your choice as well. Maybe one day I'll try digital and find it represents me just as well as film, I'll definitely know how I want to edit my photos if I do ha. But right now, this is where I am - using film and scanning my own negatives - and I'm happy with that - green colour shifts and all.

A month of meditation

Following on from my 4 simple goals post last month, I'm excited to talk about how I've meditated every day so far this year. Woop!

(screenshots of my progress, woohoo!)

Although excited about talking about it doesn't mean its been easy. In fact, some days its been the worst part of my day - which I didn't expect to say at all.

I've read a lot about how meditation is key to balancing your mind and its particularly helpful for depression, anxiety and being a highly sensitive person (which it turns out, I definitely am). And although I've read about the benefits of meditation and how wonderful it is to help create space in your mind. What I was not prepared for was the onslaught of emotions.

There is no where to hide from yourself when you're meditating!

Why didn't someone warn me?!!?

Creating space is a great feeling I will admit and being able to focus on things has definitely been something that I've experienced as a benefit, but its also been so incredibly emotional. I realised late last year that my real problem wasn't what I thought about my feelings - but how I felt about my thoughts and meditation has definitely been helping me to differentiate between thoughts and feelings and the process and order I experience them.  I've come to understand that feelings are reactions to things - events, situations, thoughts... and reactions happen without your control - and meditation seems to open the doors to these feelings and let them free without any influence from my 'thinking' self. Almost as if the spaces between your thoughts allow your true feelings to slip through and be felt, rather than them being constantly overwhelmed and trampled by repetitive and automatic thinking.

I ended up googling 'crying in meditation' at one point because it was so difficult and distressing and it is a normal process apparently... This particular paragraph from The Myth and Meditation of Magic I found particularly reassuring.

"In doing so, at first, all the scum, the past wounds, the old hurts, grudges and resentments are going to surface.  It can be unpleasant, unsettling, scary, painful, and absolutely no fun to deal with.  BUT it is good work  essential to healing emotional wounds and becoming a whole, healthy, happy person.  This is the magic of meditation. "

I'm intrigued to see where meditation is going to take me in the next month - because it has not been anything like I expected it would be. And I'm ok with that.

If you meditate regularly I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Always recovering

This week has been a tough one - I don't know if its that we're a few weeks into being back at work or it is indeed the January Blues. Lots of travelling and being busy at work has added to my tiredness which I know doesn't always help with my moods.

I wrote this post a while ago and was never brave enough to publish it - then for a while I didn't think it applied to me any more - I hadn't had a tough day for a while, I'd talked a lot of things out with a counsellor and I've felt so much better and been so grateful for that. But this weeks knocked me for six and left me feeling a bit naive about my own mental health again... so today I'm sharing it not only because I needed to remember that not every day is perfect and we get through them, but maybe one of you guys did too.

***Also I hope this isn't a triggering post - if you suffer with depression (or other mental illnesses) and its recovery, I'm 100% sure you'll relate but its a very raw post and an honest one about how it is - not how other people might see it. Please don't read it if you think it will make things harder for you or upset you further in any way - this is not my intention***

Probably the thing I hate the most about depression and its recovery - is that you never know how you're going to feel when you wake up in the morning. You can do all the right things but some days you wake up with a heavy head, eyes that are on the brink of crying (big ugly sobbing tears) and a fuzz that so heavily clouds your mind and there is nothing you can do, nothing that really caused it and mostly you're a mixture of confusion and disappointment as well as overwhelmed. On these days I know as soon as I wake up that its one of 'those days' and all I want to do is close my eyes, roll over, go back to sleep and try again tomorrow.

But I can't - I have a job, I have a train pass that I should really use every week day to make affordable, I have fruit in the kitchen that will go bad if I don't eat it, I have Thomas who wants to share his day with me as much as he can, I have friends that will email and notice that I don't reply... I have to get up. So after sulking, snoozing and a lot of pep talks (from myself and sometimes from Thomas) - I manage to get out of bed. I often worry that if I don't get up just once, there's a chance I would never get out of bed in the morning again.

I attempt exercise. It helps. It doesn't help.
I have a shower. I helps. It doesn't help.
I eat a healthy (fruit) breakfast. It helps. It doesn't help.
I go out in the sunshine and feel the breeze on my face. It helps. It doesn't help.
I make jokes with my colleagues somehow. It helps. It doesn't help.
I distract myself with work. It helps. It doesn't help.
I sneak a biscuit with a cup of tea (bourbon biscuit, if you're wondering. I have a weakness) It helps. It doesn't help.
I go for a walk in my lunch break. It helps. It doesn't help.
I do crochet, knit, paint, meditate or yoga in the evening. (I try it all ha) It helps. It doesn't help.

My aim on these days is to just do everything as I should do it. I try to eat the right food (biscuits are never wrong though right?!), I make sure I walk and exercise enough and get enough sleep. And it helps... it definitely does help. But on these days it also doesn't help at all. It doesn't clear the fuzz, or dull the ache of pain that has no real source, it doesn't stop the tears from always being right behind my eyes just waiting for an escape... 

Somehow I get through the day without crying, without hiding in the bathroom for some time, so I reward my exhausted body and mind with an early night (behaving 'normal' is exhausting) and go to sleep (eventually) and hope that tomorrow is better.

I know that with depression and anxiety I got off considerably lightly, I've got myself to a much better place compared to two/three years ago . Some people can't win the battle to get out of bed, some people don't have jobs because of their illness, some people will always be on tablets and some people don't live to survive it. Depression is mean enough that it will make you think unfair comparisons with other people and its even crueller that it will attack you further for it and make you belittle yourself.

BUT depression comes in all shapes and sizes and it is just as dangerous for someone like me - a reasonably functioning anxious depressive - as it is for the next person suffering - and it needs to be talked about and shared because even when you are doing all the right things as much as you can and things look to be okay from the outside - you just never know exactly how you'll feel when you wake up in the morning or where you truly are in your recovery process. And depression is relentless.

I had a solid number of responses in my survey last year saying that they'd like to read about my depression recovery and now that I think about it more and more, I realise that talking about these things publicly is so, so important. I was always so scared of what my readers would think - what my family who read this blog would think and what it would say about me to publish this kind of post but If just one person who is in a similar situation to me - getting through their days and trying their very best - feels a little bit better for knowing that they aren't alone then I think its worth pushing publish and sharing how I feel.

(And I was finally brave enough about 6 months later with posting it - mostly because its still just as relevant now as it was then and it probably will be for my whole life.)