This post is going to be hard for me to write (and even harder for me to publish) so please bare with me if I'm babbling...
4 weeks ago, I was sat in a doctors waiting room, terrified out of my mind... they made me wait - can you believe that? After weeks/months of deciding whether to go, whether I really couldn't get better on my own, whether or not I really needed to be there. They made me wait another 20 agonising minutes on top. Its a good thing Thomas was there to hold my hand, because if he hadn't have grounded me, I would have just ran away from it all. He keeps telling me how brave I was to stay, but the funny thing about being your bravest is that its actually when you feel like the biggest wimp because you've never been more scared. I still don't feel brave now. I'm still scared.
So I walked into the doctors office, no make-up, dirty hair, terrified... and I hit rock bottom... that was the moment, the lowest moment. I still remember how I felt in that chair, looking up at the doctor over my glasses, taking that deep, shaky breath and not knowing exactly what to say - I still don't know what to say - I can't even remember what I said to be honest, but somehow over the next few minutes I managed to communicate that I was struggling, that I needed help. I remember how I felt.
4 weeks ago, I thought the hardest part was over - the part where you admit a problem - and don't get me wrong - the relief that came from taking action and making a change to my life was undeniably a healing experience... but actually, every day is hard. Every single day. Once its out there, you can't really ignore it any more.
To make things worse, I'm impatient, I keep expecting to just get better - and then I get so angry that I don't. But this hasn't happened slowly, in fact, its taken me a year of being considerate to myself, followed by 4 months of trying to alleviate things, for me to get to this point, so really, I can't expect to feel better in a snap. But I do. I push myself too hard, I expect too much and ultimately, my behaviour ends up being even more self destructive... and I need to learn how to not do that to myself, and its going to take time.
I've been trying to think about how this blog fits into my life and if it really benefits me any more - I know how it could be bigger, more popular - but honestly, I have no drive to do that and I actually don't think that being 'successful' is what would make it beneficial to me at all.
In the last 4 weeks, I haven't even picked up a camera. I should really pick up a camera... but I'm scared of that too.
The truth is that I did feel safer with the lies, the truth is scary, it's daunting and it's unknown... but ultimately, lies are heavy, they are ugly and they break down - they crack, they burst and one day you have to accept that actually, they never were truths and that things aren't the same and you might never be the same again either.
I don't know where I'll be in the next 4 weeks, or how I'll feel... I don't know what I want to do because actually, I don't really know myself very well right now - my core is shaken, maybe even a little cracked... and I don't really know how to fix it or even how to accept it as it is. So I'm taking it a day at a time, I'm focusing on the small every day things - eating well, doing my daily yoga, playing silly games on my phone and getting those damn three stars, taking little walks, enjoying talking to my friends and family and accepting that actually, getting through the day is an accomplishment in itself, not all the other things that seem so insignificant now compared to my health.
I realise that this post is a little uncharacteristic to how I usually am on my blog - and I can imagine that as I struggle my way through the next few months, this blog is going to evolve with me... so thank you to everyone who has stuck with me to the end of this post, and even through the last 4 years. You are appreciated.
p.s. Never did I expect that when I chose my word of the year, that this is what alleviate would mean... I'm also learning to trust my inner voice.
