"it's one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it"- The Little Soul and The Sun, Neale Donald Walsch
I've never really been one for quotes. I've always found my solace in art. I loved studying English Literature at college, but it wasn't something I ever thought to pursue, which is probably why I enjoyed it so much to be honest, I did that subject because I loved doing it without any expectations of myself from it. I think that's why I loved this blog and my holga so much when I started, I had no expectations of it at all.
But a few weeks ago, Susannah shared a video by Erica on her 'Something for the weekend' post (I love those posts btw, I used to do something similar when I started blogging, way back when... I don't actually miss writing mine though, I just like remembering that I enjoyed them) and I started to really listen to other peoples words and take solace in them too.
The video is called 'My gift to you...' and it's a gift from Erica, to you, to me... and after watching it, I felt different. I'm not a religious person, or particularly spiritual either, but in being open to this gift, it changed me. Like Erica, I've told people about it too - some people have embraced it, and some people didn't need it - and I like both of those responses. You may not need it either, but maybe you will. It takes about 6 mins for the gift to start, but if you do watch it, please watch it all and leave a comment below too about how you felt.
Its funny to think that I'm only just starting to find myself and to think about who I want to be. I've spent the past 10 years of my life working to be someone... I went to college, I then went to University, I got a job... but I never just sat back and thought
"Who do I want to be."
Not "who do other people want me to be" or "what do I want to do"... but who do I want to be. In many ways, I've always known who I was and I've always been happy with it. It's always been others who have wanted me to be different... more restrained, more considered, more 'normal', more like them.
I'm 27 and its only now that I've realised that in trying to be the people I thought were good for my whole life, I've actually been making myself less. Less like some other people, less quirky, less impulsive, less emotional, less feisty, less 'Me' and I can't. I can't be anything less than I am.
"You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there is nothing that you are not." - The Little Soul and The Sun, Neale Donald Walsch
My little sister is actually my hero, because without realising it - she is who she is without worrying about what other people think, she knows what she wants - sure, she worries about the people who matter, but she also knows that sometimes the people who matter are wrong as well, often we disagree on whether those people are actually wrong lol and often she infuriates me too, but her convictions and belief in herself above what others think, I always admire, even if I don't always agree with her and even if I'm nothing like that at all. (Its funny how you can be so the same and so different, she is the ying to my yang)
Thomas always amazes me too because for the last 10 years, he has loved me for who I am, completely and selflessly. And he's made me believe that I am lovable for being all the things that others wanted to change in me, he likes that I'm emotional, that I'm excitable, that I'm often impulsive, he sees through all of those things and sees me (like Avatar but less creepy and weird). I will add that he doesn't like that I'm clumsy... haha, or that I hog the quilt, or that I often talk through films and ask questions or that I get quite competitive with xbox games and he had to confiscate my headset due to my unsocial language - but those things aren't really that important.
Anyway, this is kind of a waffley post, but in watching that video, I thought 'who do I want to be...' and I realised that I've always been that person - someone who is passionate about things, who is excitable and enthusiastic and I realised that I wanted to be someone who loves. And someone who shares that love. Perhaps I just want to be the person who shares... and in realising that I want to love and share it, I started to think about what it means to love.
And then we watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower and then I read the book in 2 hours almost straight afterwards... and it touched me as well. (I cried at both the film and the book... a lot).
“You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky.
In being open to one gift, I unintentionally opened myself to another, and it made me look for more... like this article about love and worrying... and I realised that to truly love, I have to stop worrying and being scared and actually 'do things'.
There isn't really a conclusion to this post, its more about sharing the things that I've been feeling for the past few weeks... and getting them out of me. I've always been scared of hitting the publish button on posts like this (I've mentioned it before I know) because I've been worried about things, but I'm not worried any more, because I want to be who I am. And I'm not so scared today, because in being someone who loves and shares, I want to share this with you, a little bit of me, a little bit of love...
“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” ― Kahlil Gibran