These photos are getting old now, they were taken not long after my Grandad died and I've been hesitant to share them... because hes not in them, because it was so close to his funeral, because time is flying by so quickly. These photos are getting old now.
The hardest parts of the grief are the unexpected parts, the anger at the passing of time, the jolt of remembering death when you've been so busy (moving house etc), the guilt of forgetting for just that brief moment. The reluctance to throw away a gift card because it has his name on it, even if he didn't write it. Discovering all the notes he sent me (we had a deal, he wrote me, I text him - he liked his phone, I always loved his handwriting), making sure his photo is the first thing that has pride of place on the bookcase, before remembering, again, that he won't see our new house. Wishing he was here to identify the plants I don't know... I didn't even know I wanted him to do that, but he would have and I would have asked him.
I've struggled to take photos recently, my phojo (photography mojo) has always been connected to my emotions, and that part of me is so deep in grief right now - it doesn't want distractions or to notice the details around us right now - which is so unusual, as my blog name indicates. But that part of me needs space, and time to get used to this new normal, and I'm ok with waiting and giving it all the time it needs, trying to give myself all the time I need. My cameras are always waiting, they are reassuring like that.
Another part of me is diving into knowledge - podcasts mainly but I've read two books since he died too, I'm about to start another. I've read 3 now, I'll definitely reach 4 books this year, I'll read more. It isn't as rewarding as I hoped, reaching that goal, yet I'm craving the words of others, the sound of other peoples experience and the description of others emotions, secrets and stories. Making that connection seems so much more important than documenting it. I'm hoping that I can combine the two again soon.
This isn't the post I thought I would write, but thank you if you read it all, it felt good to write it. And can we take a moment to appreciate Harry's amazing old dog eyebrows and adorable face? I'm seeing him this weekend and I can't wait to squish him and stroke his soft fur.
Camera: Canon EOS 750
Film: Lomo CN400
Location: Wells, Norfolk