My 2012 word...

Yesterday Susannah Conway released her 2013 Unravelling workbook and after going through it last year and picking my word for 2012, I guess now is the time to reflect on how the year has been before I move forward into 2013.

My word for 2012 is/was considerate. I actually can't remember how I came upon this word, but it has always felt right. However, I can't decide if the year has come to suit the word, or if having the word meant that I had chosen to cope with whatever the year had to throw at me. And this year has thrown a lot at me.

Funnily enough, after reading through my original post about my word, I don't feel like I've really chosen where I want to be in 5-10 years time still, but in being considerate to myself, I've also come to realise that it doesn't matter any where near as much as I thought it did. A lot of the expectations for the next 5-10 years of my life don't actually come from me - they come from the people around me and what they think I should be doing (either directly about me, or in projecting where they think they will be in the future and expecting the same) and in realising that, I let them all go. And together, Thomas and I actually decided on a possible future that no one would have expected from us. And you know what, it feels like it could be the right thing to do. Scary perhaps, but right and in being 'considerate' with what's best for us, I'm actually much happier (and terrified haha)

It sounds simple saying 'I let them all go'. Letting go always sounds simple. But it wasn't and I don't let things go easily, in fact, I've mourned my 'losses' for a long time this year. And being 'considerate' to myself has been my crutch. I let myself sulk, mourn and cry because I know that I needed to. The good news though is that once I was done feeling bad about it all and getting it all out, I felt better. I remember once that someone told me, 'in order to clean a room, sometimes it needs to get dirty first...' and I think the same process seems to apply to me looking after myself and getting myself to where I need to be. Hopefully the dirty part is over though...

One thing I've made a 'considerate' effort to let go of is my worries... and the best thing I found to help me was this video from Marie Forleo about 'Dealing with being overwhelmed'. It might have even been a link from Susannah actually, but I've watched it once a week ever since I first saw it and it has worked. The first time I did it, I wrote out two full sides of A4, with no gaps, it just fell out of me through my pen. And then I crossed out 3/4's of it. Sure, those worries have crept back every week but the more I cross them out, the less important they seem.

Writing this post, it seems weird that one word has helped me so much with a year. That one word has helped me look at myself and realise that I like who I am and that I always have done. It has made me realise that a lot of things are out of my control and it is OK to let those things go. It has held me up through the unexpected and painful and its guided me through a lot of decisions. I guess part of me must have known that I needed to take some time to look after myself, though I didn't realise I needed a whole year.

I'm actually pretty nervous about choosing my 2013 word now (I have no idea what it will be yet) as the impact of 2012's word has been so huge, but at the same time, I'm ready to move forward and take that word on too.