Do you have a song that makes you cry as soon as you hear it? I have a few.
One is our first dance song. Thomas told me what it was years ago, way before we got married. Don't you love that he picked it too? He loves music and gosh I love him. Anything by George Michael or Prince totally gets me too right now as well.
But today's song was a song that makes me happy, not sad. I was listening to it a second ago but now I've swapped to Glenn Miller Moonlight Serenade which reminds me of my Grandad and today I can say that makes me happy too.
Maybe not tomorrow but right now, I'm embracing that I can listen to it. Its beautiful. My Grandad had good taste.
Today's song was Penguin Cafe Orchestra... And as I'm sat at work, my eyes prickle. Tears fall. I used to feel a bit ridiculous when that happened. But after the last 6 months and all the reactive tears, I think people probably just think i have allergies from all the occasional sniffles. Luckily I don't think they realise the sniffles are usually accompanied by silent tears. At least I really hope they don't realise.
Anyway Perpetuum Mobile (by Penguin Cafe Orchestra) comes on the radio. And it reminds me of how happiness feels. We listened to it planning our wedding, it takes me to the beach with sand between my toes, its the sound of holding Thomas's hand and seeing my brand new nephews little face and the way his mouth moves when hes sleeping (is this a baby thing? Either way its adorbs). It reminds me of how I imagine it feels to finally own your own puppy ha. The way it dances in my ears makes me want to dance with my whole body. Its just amazing to listen to and to respond to.
One of the most bizarre lessons Ive learnt so far in my 8 months of having the word happy for my year, especially whilst 6 of those months have been grieving, is that you can be so very happy whilst being so very sad.
For the longest time I was so sad and caught up in negativity that I thought emotions were a scale from happy to sad. Excited to scared. 1 to 10. Perhaps thats because its how we explain our emotions to each other in the most basic way. How happy are you from 1 to 10 right now? Ten being the best score of course.
The older I get the more I realise again and again that its not how I feel about my thoughts thats the problem, but how I think about my feelings. Did I ever post the post I wrote about that? I feel like perhaps not... that fact alone also reminds me that perhaps I won't find wisdom in my old age but in my past, in the things I've already written but never been brave enough to share. In the connections I made then but never had the conviction or trust to believe in at the time. The universe has a way of reminding you the lessons you have to learn though lovely people... the universe can lead a horse to water, but obviously it can't always make it drink either... and its the universe!
Anyway, the point I actually came here to make - 500 words in ha - is that I'm ready to reconnect with you guys - I'm ready to take photos (I've actually got 5 films waiting to be scanned right now, and gosh its the best feeling knowing I took some photos after nearly 6 months of not... tears are falling again because I'm honestly so happy to be back in this place again, grief is a shocking experience, it really is....) and more importantly, I'm ready to give them to you.
I've listened to two and a half podcasts by Yoga Girl today and in one she talked about vulnerability and giving and receiving (Eadaoin I hope you still read my blog love, you should check this podcast out for sure). Currently Rachel and I have opposite problems... she feels she gives to much - whilst I know that for the past 6 months I've effectively shut down and stopped giving - I just haven't had anything apart from sadness and sorrow to give. Do you remember how in 2015 my word was 'give'? Isn't it funny how the feeling I have the most today, right now... is to give. Give my words, give my experience, give it my all. And to give without worrying about receiving... just to want to give, because its been so long since I really could completely. Again... my wisdom is in my past, I'm sure of it.
Another wonderful lesson I've learnt about happiness this year, is that happiness is right now, considered just another standard - something else to aspire too... 'if you have this, you'll be happy. if you wear this, if you look like this, if you whatever, whenever... you'll be happy.' I must say that I read this idea on the amazing Imogen's Instagram page (its a disabled womans body positivity page, so perhaps don't click if you're at work... theres some skin on show), its not something I came up with - but once I read it, it totally clicked. Happiness is mostly a concept
Oh as I'm writing this, While my Guitar Gently Weeps sung by Regina Spektor just came on my Spotify... this song makes me cry too. Have you seen Kubo and the Two Strings? We watched it not too long after Grandad died and it broke me into pieces, again, its amazing and beautiful. And this song.. just sums it all up perfectly. If you've been blogging for a while, I'm sure that you'll be amused that after 8 years I finally like a Regina Spektor song too haha.
If you've read this through, thank you - thank you for still connecting with me, after all these years and after a couple of months of not even being here. I'm not really sure if I've made the point that I meant to but its good to be here and its good to write again and I'm excited to share some new photos very soon.
p.s. I've scheduled this so I don't not post it and I didn't spell check... cos rereading sometimes encourages that save button instead of publish, so please forgive any glaring errors!